From: Jori Remington <damie...@bellsouth.net>
Subject: NEW: Tight Spaces HUMOR
Date: 1998/08/26
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Title : Tight Spaces
Author : Jori Remington
E-mail : Damien...@aol.com
Keywords : H mostly, a little Angst
Rating : PG-13 (talk of bodily functions, bodies tangled one with the
other)
Summary : Mulder and Scully spend the night entwined together, with a
twist (don't forget this is humor, folks.)
Archive : Anywhere you want. Just let me know.
Disclaimer : Mulder, Scully and Skinner belong to CC, 1013 and Fox. I
promise to return them by Sunday at 9 p.m.


"Scully, if we had a theme song, what would it be?"
"Mulder…" I said with a heavy sigh, "I just don't feel like playing that
game right now. And could you please move your arm from under my head.
My neck is getting really stiff."
"If you think your neck is stiff you should have my arm. It's getting
tired of being used as a pillow."

He fumbled around in the dark and managed to move his arm a little
higher than my head. Then he pulled the pillow he had been using from
under his head and put it under mine. His other arm was still draped
over me lightly. My face was resting near his chest and I could feel his
breath in my hair. He shifted slightly to untangle our legs.

I was getting slightly annoyed at him. He had been playing various games
since we woke up, as he often did when we were alone together. This time
the games included 'Name That State Capitol' and 'Sing That TV Theme
Song', which I took no part in. My guess was that he was just trying to
breeze over what had happened to us tonight, how he ditched me. How I
followed him. How we ended up like this.

"No, really, Scully. What would our theme song be?"
"I don't know. Why?" I asked, sighing again, growing tired.
"There was this guy in college who decided everybody on earth had a
theme song. He was good at picking them."
"And what was yours?"
"You'll never know."
"Never heard of that song."
"No, I meant I'm not going to tell you. Besides this is about you and
me."

He rocked gently against me, trying to get comfortable, all the while
his hand never left my back.

"Ok, Mulder. What do you think out theme song would be?"
"Right now? 'Comfortably Numb'," he said, still fidgeting around a
little, trying to find a place for his long legs.
"I didn't know you were a Dead Head."
"I believe that one is by Pink Floyd. And, no, I'm not a Dead Head. It
is just the first thing that came to mind right now. If it is not to
much to ask, could you move your hand from there."
"Oh. Sorry."
"How about 'Happy Together' by the Turtles?" he asked, shifting even
closer to me.
"I don't think so. It is too…happy."
"'The Ballad of the Green Beret'?"
"No, too sad."
I turned my head away from the satin pillow it was resting on and I
bumped into his chin.
"Ouch!" he cried.
"Sorry. Again."
"Hey, if I die before you, our theme could be 'My Heart Will Go On'."
"Only if I get to drop your cold, frozen body into the North Atlantic."
"You're the last one who was frozen."
"Not now. Don't you think it is getting warm in here?"
He didn't say anything for a minute, but did scoot about an inch away
from me.
"'Can't Get No Satisfaction'?" he finally said.
"Tell me about it," I whispered into his chest.
"I was joking."
"How about 'Friends in Low Places'?" I offered up.
"Our 'friends'? They aren't even allowed in the low places."
"Mulder, I'm getting really tired. After a full day at work...then this,
I think I need a little nap…"
"But we've just started picking out a theme song," he whined.
I hate it when he whines.
"You wear me out," I whined back.
"Ok…ok. I've got it! 'Shook Me All Night Long'," he practically shouted.

I just snorted lightly, really wanting to rest. He started singing the
AC/DC song and playing air drums.
"Mulder, you are acting like a kid. Besides that you are pulling my
hair."
"Sorry," he said, draping his arm back over me.

He quiet again, and I was nearly asleep when he shook me.
"Now I've really got it!"
"What!" I screamed, nearly jumping out of my half-asleep skin.
"Our theme song. 'The Flight of the Bumblebee'."
"Hey, that's my theme song. Besides, I thought you would pick something
by Elvis."
"Like what? 'Heartbreak Hotel'?"
"I think I'm going back to sleep now."
"And miss my next question?"
"What's your next question?" I asked, dreading the answer. Please don't
let it be Celebrity Death Match again. I pushed against him, trying to
get my legs comfortable again.
"Could you stop that with your legs?" he asked.
"That's your next question?’
"No, I just have to pee and your jostling is, well, aggravating the
situation."
"Shouldn't have had all that tea with lunch."
"Well, sooner or later you will have to go, too."
"Not if you stop moving around like that."
"You're the one moving."
"Anyway, what was your next question?"
"What if we were to die like this?" he said softly into my hair.
"Well, I can think of worse places to die."
"No, I'm serious. What if we were to die like this?"
"What is today?"
"Well, we came here on Friday night."
"WE? You came here. I followed."
"How was I supposed to know that this would happen," he said sheepishly
I didn't know what to say about what had happened.
The quiet was deafening.

*************************************************************************

"Mulder, why would anyone follow a body-stealing freak into a funeral
home on Friday night?"
"Scully, why would anyone follow someone who followed a body-stealing
freak into a funeral home on Friday night?"
"I thought you might need backup. And besides that, you ditched me."
"Bet you wish you could ditch me now."
"And miss out on choosing out theme song? Never!"

"Scully, any ideas on how to get out of this one?" he asked, lifting up
his arm off of me and tapping on the lid of what we were contained in.
"None that we haven't tried already. And considering we can't move an
inch, we are probably stuck here until someone finds us."
"Do you suppose someone will be here in the morning?"
"Assuming we are still in the funeral home, and we weren't transported
whole we were unconscious, I suppose someone will be here."
"But what if no one notices we are missing until we don't show up at our
desks on Monday? Ill have to pee by Monday, Scully."
"I imagine we both will."
"Hell, maybe they won't even notice we're gone on Monday. Here we are 20
miles out of D.C. and they might figure we checked into a bed and
breakfast in the Smokies or something."
"A bed and breakfast? Why would we do that when we can spend a weekend
together in a coffin. I'm sure someone will check into reservations for
a coffin for two under the name Mr. And Mrs. Spooky."
"If this one's built for two, I'd hate to see what the coffins built for
one are like."
"This one is built for one. But most people don't complain."
"Especially after you get through with them."
"Ha ha."

I stayed as still as I could, not wanting to deal with the whole potty
issue yet.
"I'm really sure someone will be here soon. A mortuary this size is most
likely having a funeral tomorrow. Actually, there is probably someone in
the building by now, they just haven't heard us," I said as confidently
as I could. When I was searching the body for Mulder, before being
conked on the head, I hadn't noticed any bodies. Of course, that could
be because our body snatching friend had already gotten to them.

"Ok, Scully. Next round of questions."
"I really don't feel like it. Especially if this is Name The First Lady
again."
"I've got to do something to keep my mind off of…well, you know what,"
he said, while shifting around considerably.
"Mulder, I'm a doctor. I've been around urine before."
"But there is a difference between pee in a cup and being peed on."
"I've been 'peed on' before."
"Agent Scully…do tell," he said with a leer in his voice.
"Mulder, get your mind out of the gutter. Let's see. I was young and
baby sitting our neighbor's two month old son. Baby boys equal flying
pee. Especially if you are slow with the diaper. Then in med school…"
"I think we need to change the subject or we will have a problem."
"What would you like to talk about? Waterfalls? Crystal clear lagoons.
Waves slapping against the dock on a small fishing pond?"
"Stop," he said, trying to adjust his position again.
"Sorry," I said, giggling a little. This was just retribution for all
the times he wouldn't stop the car at a rest area to let me go.

"I've got a new game. If you could only watch one of the two movies I
name for the rest of your life, which would it be…'Lawrence of Arabia'
or 'Dr. Zhivago'?"
"'Zhivago'."
"'The Sound of Music' or 'My Fair Lady'?"
"'My Fair Lady'."
"Really? I would have picked you as a more independent Maria than Eliza.
She let a man turn her into what he wanted her to be."
"But look at what happened in the end. He fell for her. Hard."
"Still would have guessed the other way."
"Next question."
"'The Omen' or 'The Exorcist'?"
"’The Exorcist’."
"'Titanic' or 'Ishtar'?"
"'Ishtar'."
"That's pretty bad, Scully."
"You didn't leave me much choice."
"'Armageddon' or 'Deep Impact'?"
"'Armageddon'."
"Really?"
"I would just like to see how many times Bruce Willis can save the world
and never wipe that damn smirk off his face."
"I can smirk."
"Not like Bruce Willis."
"I'd have to got with 'Deep Impact' because the reporter is so cute."
"Not as cute as the girl in 'Armageddon'."
"Whatever."

We didn't say anything for a few minutes. I knew what was coming next.
"Next game," he finally said. "Celebrity Death Match."
I moaned loudly.
"Picard or Kirk?"
"Kirk," I answered.
"Trebek or Sajak?"
"I'd have to go with Trebek."
"Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn?"
"Mulder!" I exclaimed, punching him slightly on the back, avoiding his
kidneys.
"I personally say Tom Sawyer."
"Are we about done with this game?"
"Sure. We can quit. Just don't mention you-know-what."
"I promise I won't mention liquids again."
"Good."
"You know, eventually if no one finds us, pee will be the least of
worries. We have no water…"
"You said you wouldn't mention THAT!"
"Mulder, I have imagined dying with you many times. But I never, ever
imagined we'd have to share the same coffin."
"First you want your own desk, then you want your own coffin. Jeesh,
woman, when does it end with you," he said, trying to lighten up our
darkness.
"I think the most horrible part of it is that chances are, we won't die
at the same time. One of us will have to be alive, alone, with the
other."
"Me first or you first, I don't think I could stand it either way. I
don't mean I'd be repulsed if you went first. I just, uh. It would
be…uh…"
Mulder was at a loss for words. I will have to mark the day on my
calendar. If I ever see it again.
"Mulder, I know what you mean."

We remained silently entwined in our cramped, dark coffin for several
minutes.
"I think I heard something."
"What?" I asked.
"Footsteps."
We both started pounding on the lid as if there was no tomorrow.
Finally, we heard someone fumbling around outside and then the lid
opened slowly. The light stung after hours of darkness, and, looking
like a couple of vampires, we both tried to put our hands up to protect
our eyes, getting even more entangled in the process.
"Agents, welcome back the land of the living."
Skinner was standing there along with what appeared to be the funeral
director, several employees and half the police in Virginia.
"Sir, how did you find us?" I asked, as he helped me up to my feet and
out of the white casket that held us for the night.
"An anonymous call came in last night about you two. I'm guessing it was
your body-nabbing suspect. He said you two would soon be dead, but that
it didn't matter because you were already were you would need to go.
We've searched every cemetery, morgue, and funeral home that we could
get to in a  fifty mile radius. When the funeral director arrived here
an hour ago, he noticed his "customers" were missing, so we figured you
were here somewhere. I've got to go tell the rescue squad that you two
are ok. Ill be back in a few minutes to hear how this happened."
I turned to help Mulder up. He looked quite the sight, sitting in an
all-white casket listening to Skinner. From the tone in Skinner's voice
when he said he'd be back, we might as well just climb right back in
there.
Mulder turned around to look at where we spent the night together.
"Hey, Scully, I've got our theme song. At least for last night, anyway."

"What's that, Mulder?"
"’Nights In White Satin," he said with a smirk, as he walked off to find
the bathroom.
                                # # #